yesterday, i was so eager to get out of the hospital that i walked out of my farm in my white coat. i forgot to take it off! it was so damn embarrassing.

seeing how hard other people is working now makes me abit worried, but its okay. must be positive! :)

i feel terribly sorry that i misheard someone as scolding me as and losing temper at that person. Really, i feel damn bad, but i guess whats done cant be undone. :( i seriously need to do sth abt my ears.

i think sometimes am a pain in the ass in others' eyes at work. i am really sorry when i made those mistakes, but i do try very hard. today, someone told me to walk faster at work. :(

was damn nervous when i interviewed my patient today. needs to improve on this.

My fyp supervisor came to my farm today! Was damn happy to see her, I dun know why. We chatted for a while, after which the queue started coming in, so I had to ask her to go one side and wait. she told me she dun know i am working there now, its kinda disappointing cause i told her already! She forgot! But now I think she will remember it!

did sth different, outside of drugs, and i think i made someone life happier today. I thank the person for bringing the smile on my face once again. :)

I have a family where everyone aims to be very clinical too. My parents have their own views on their health issues and risk factors and of cos their own perspectives on drugs. Like before they went for their health checkup, they tell me they know whats the doctor gg to say alr. As a allied health member, I feel anything can happen to you anytime cause its fated. the best way is to prevent and treat as early as you can. Pls dun act like a doctor!

things are getting more and more absurd. and i am losing my patience. on everything, everyone. Trust me, i know what i am doing, what i want, and i know things are getting out of hand. am feeling so helpless yet so alone, shit. :'(

I wont be writing here anymore for the time being, till i see the sun again.

i feel right, i am so away from the world right now. Even when i go out, i feel tired and the tot of gg back to work made me sad. I got so much to do, yet the motivation is so limited. I want to go holiday, and i am going start planning one for december so tat i got sth to look forward in my life.

is falling apart soon.....

oh boy i am starting to have the fears that i wont be accepted into this place 9 mths later. :(

today while i was packing halfway, someone told me i got alot of black heads on my face. chui.

and i am so afraid of oversleeping nowadays that i hold the clock to sleep. And i had my super loud alarm beside me. Life is rather pathetic hur?

its really hard to have a balance btw work and fun. ended work at 630pm and i had to rush down to meet friends for dinner. was so tired but had to attend cause it was a farewell dinner. and when i am tired, i dun feel like talking and people think i am losing my temper heh! its nearly impossible for me to go out on weekends now cause i want to spend time with family and do my work.

its so hard to catch up with work too. everyday i have so much questions which i never get a good satisfactory for many. miss those days with those excellent notes. and i dun have the luxury to go back to refer sometimes, keep forgetting what i jus learnt. :(((

change of schedule for rotations. i really hope everything will turn out fine. as much as i want to make full use of the hospital, i do hope my presence does help in the whole workflow in the hospital. thats why i will be trying my best to accept the changes which arent very nice actually. let the positive mood stays on!! ~

lesson learnt: do not take that yellow tablet at 530am when i only have one hour of sleep. another bad nose night, i was hesitating whether to go work. decided to go in the end feeling very giddy, then ended up with bad mood with everyone cause was doing boring stuff. due to the lack of sleep, got fever and bad headache, decided to eat panadol again at 11am(6 hours from 530am). then went down to R1, realised i made D angry, felt bad and horrible, then decided to do SAP to escape Haha! i think i am quite annoying too so i decided to make myself disappear!

things were better in the afternoon. i am so thankful for S as she helped me identify so many of my dumb mistakes. otherwise my name will be called so many times! today is just not my day, i am really not feeling well. but somehow, i got better after work and went holland vill for dinner! I even had grilled chicken and ice cream! amazing healing! anyway, happy birthday to O! :D

i got this abrasion on my leg which i dun know what i did last night to myself to get it. and its so painful. :(((

dearest ah lao in spore. not going to meet him this time, too busy and too poor. 9 mths later, i will fly to other countries to meet him!

i hate it most when things dun go according t my plans. i dun understand why we had to repeat checking that damn thing once every few days, I saw my name signed there few days ago! :( It is so waste of time, and I seriously think sth should/can be done. There are so many instructions left unsaid, unconfirmed. I hate the sudden changes of plans, cause i had to change my goals/timetable.

I am trying my best to control my temper at work cause am a nobody. Am just a substitute or whatever you call it. And nobody understands, I cant keep whining cause people think am childish. So upsetting. :(

the best thing that happened today was having icecream after lunch from 7-eleven. emo pig.

rest day today! nothing beats having a great dinner at home with family and waiting for the 7pm show. And my dear friend today commented that i walk damn fast, must be due to work (those never-ending SAPs!)!

i am kinda not looking forward to work tmr. there's nth to look forward anymore. :X

did sunday duty today! overslept and had to take a cab down. 20 dollars gone! :(

had to run around the whole hospital to get drugs for all the patients. i am quite okay with this, though its really tiring and i am so lazy, cause it is all for our patients heh. And everyone present today are really nice, nobody was rushing me and there was this nice PT who was telling me where things are. went to get items, open/close pharmacy, switch off/on the alarm and everything else. Wasnt taught all these before at all, had to master all myself. Stay calm ALONE and try to figure things out. Its quite scary cause I tot I may sound the alarm and police will come, but luckily things went well. i kinda like these times cause it made me independent and realised I am actually able to do this myself. :)

but i am falling sick now. having a fever/headache/runny nose now, actually i have been having intermitent fever all these while and its quite worrying cause sometimes i realised i forgot to eat panadol thats why I got fever! I am on panadol dependence now! I think there are just too many virus around and I should just wear mask at work everyday. All my dear colleagues are taking turns to take mc too, soon it will be my turn. :p

tmr is my off day. i am thinking whether to cancel my outing to rest at home or to go out and get nice clothes to work haha. I am just glad I have this day off and I think my colleagues are glad too cause the trouble-maker is not present tmr.

today felt like a friday, so slack!! As we are gg to get 'audited' soon, we had to go for chemical spill talk in the morning, which i had no interest in cause i went through sth similar during my fyp days. almost dozed off standing up, amazingly tired!

in the afternoon, we went for the fire drill! Woots learnt how to use a fire extinguisher. I seriously doubted the usefulness cause does anyone knows a brand new extinguisher actually is very heavy and one cannot spray with so much force like during the drill lor! and then, we learnt how to use the water hose! Yes, my mother also wondered why I need to be taught how to use the hose! It is just like gardening what!

Saw this damn cool fire evacuation chairr for patients too! To help bring all the patients out in case got fire. But I get lost so easily, better dun help .... -.-

Anyway, it is quite nice to hear that small boss recongnised our efforts to help out in packing during this period when R1 is in chaos. I felt its quite heartening, but I tried my best not to show that out just now Haha! :D

Was told to attend a doctor conference talk on EPGR tmr, cause am doing on that for my project, but I got grad night dinner! What a pity to miss the damn nice atas food at the conference, oh well.

been feeling no matter how hard i try, theres always so much for me to do and improve on. everyday, i realised one flaw of myself. is this what this 9 mths supposed to feel like or am i just not suitable for this job.

today wasnt easy at all. i dun know why, my performance status was disappointed. how can i forget the basic workflow. sigh. the fault doesnt lie in anyone but me. i need to be more attentive at work. :(

packed a case of med recon. this case wasnt easy, full of unexpected surprises lol, but somehow i felt damn good after finishing it. Med recon is sth like collecting patient's old medications and see if he can use that for the latest medication regimen after discharge, so he dun need to buy so much again and there wont be so much duplicate medications at home. by doin med recon, i helped this particular patient saved 32 bucks by doing it! hope he gets well soon! it wasnt the first med recon i done, but i felt quite good after finishing it. :D

my family thinks it is weird why i am going out earlier and earlier but reaching home later and later everyday. :X And yeah, i dun have time or energy to upload photos onto fb. i dun even have time to upload an one-sentence status.

business is damn good the last few days in the farm such that we were asked to go down and pack. now, actually i really hate packing cause i think i tend to switch off my brain and be complacent. i do know its importance and significance in this initial learning stage. the challenge now is to constantly remind myself to always tell myself i must be willing to learn every single thing.

working is so much different from studying. in the past, whenever i feel really uncomfortable, i will just skip lectures or school. not that i skip alot, but i got the luxury to rest if i want. had a bad stomachache this morning, but i still had to pack with no mistakes. because no mistakes can be tolerated.

there are so many things i wanna do, but i cant. because life is so stagnant, am upset. :(

drug info rotation sounds scary. reading journals will be my hobby over there. i don't think am looking forward to that.

its so hard to survive when there is no spoonfeeding. no lecture notes for summary.

i have been staring at my computer typing some notes on renal topic since late afternoon, except for 1hour plus break, and now my eyes are going to pop out anytime. and there are still so much things to learn, understand and read.

and i am gg to sleep now otherwise i may go blind before i got my license.

after so many years of whining and complaining, i have finally reached the day when I graduated! And with a first class honours heh! :)

I thank my parents for their never ending love and support for me. they were my best friends, even though sometimes my enemies when we quarreled. they were my doctors/pharmacists when i fell sick(which is so frequent), and they were my cooks for my meals since young. many times in my primary and secondary schools, i kept forgetting to bring things to school and they had to come school to give me. I thank them for going through the agony to pray for my english grades, esp GP during A levels. I thank them for their money for my english tuition otherwise I know I will never be what I am today. And the list goes on.

i think they are so noble cause they play so many roles in my life and so many times, their efforts may not be appreciated by me. :( I love them and I pray that they stay healthy so that I can start to play the many roles in their lives. :)

oh ya, i wore the grad hat until i tension headache yesterday, it was so painful. My head is really very big. the hat is already M size lor!

it felt weird to walk around with 90 tablets of viagra in the hospital. was doing SAP(transfer of items btw diff places) heh.

after what happened today, i will increase my tolerance for everything.
breathe in breathe out, and smile. :D

still sick, with a rather bad dry cough. i took antibiotics, had more rest the last few days. what went wrong.

i feel very upset when my family members dun understand what i am doing. jus like how my parents dun understand why i am so tired everyday after work, why i cant afford that few minutes to stop packing behind the pharmacy to go out to buy medicine for them. to them, coming home to read after work is a real joke.

orientation ended. the real challenge finally arrived!

Today is the day i got my first pay. pathetic amount, but i am ready to meet up with my dearest friends to give everyone a small treat! :D:D

patient safety, ADR, MRSA, ICU, hand hygience ....

been listening to all these terminology these few days. memories of my dearest uncle kept flashing back...the words i told him, the promises we once made and how he died in front of me. it is still emotionally very painful and i really hope i get to walk out of it soon.

instead of robbing the bank today, i went with the gals to Vivo to shop and had dinner at a hk cafe. We are so damn slacked!

Corporate orientation these 3 days. got abandoned by my friends to join a new orientation group today. It was so boring that I am so tired now cause half of the time I was staring outside and daydreaming. And there is this new clinical farmer beside me who speaks with this slang that I cannot understand, and thus I cant be bothered to talk to him.

i am currently so poor that i cant sleep last night cause i had to think where else to get money. i dun know why eating at kopitiam or staff canteen can cause me to be so broke! maybe i should rob a bank tmr night since work ends early. :D

not looking to work tmr cause it is only orientation abt the company. it sounds boring.

i feel lousy cause whenever i get busy, my whole life gets very screwed up. i forgot to bring cheryl's card today, forgot to bring home the therapeutics worksheet from work yesterday, forgot that i had an appt yesterday. There is sth that i seem to never learn: multi-tasking!

i come home everyday this week feeling very tired, partly due to work which i dun know why cause it is supposed to be simple, and partly due to traveling cause i am going back at unearthy timings like 10pm. i feel worse when i just go to bed straight every work with NTH done.

lastly, i hate the dry cough.

my friend, who is a SJ fan, is jealous that my colleagues get to perform sorry sorry during the staff party. Yes those guys! :D:D

inpatient rotations is going to be damn xiong, but i hope to do a good job. i think i will only meet those mentors and my training partner for the next 12 weeks. Bye world!